utterly exhausted

"Joseph Conrad once wrote: 'Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast hugs some memory.. or some illusion.'"

these days i has my head buried in so many moments of quiet contemplation. once you swore vengeance on those spoiling your life, you got stucked in failing relationships. 2 months saw a variation in my soul. slight as it is, it launched a series of attacks inside my heart. i can hear someone crying out thousands of questions from hell. fear sent my pulse racing. i can't shed a tear by myself. the world smelled of acrimonious smiles, just like suffering a cup of insipid coffee on Sunday morning. life sucks everytime i walked into that school.

Q gave me a piece of paper and asked me to write a 2-word phrase about what i reagard as the most high-ranking concern. i sat there deep in trains of thoughts. every moment grew into trivialities. my brain befogged by constant lack of sleep precipitously betrays a snap decision making procedure. what matters to me most now? what? what? what? FAKE ANSWERS. isn't it? maybe...

(29/11) once again, i was stuck. how this world is engulfed with fear brings about a hot debate in my brain. life is not a point. it is comprised of so many moveable points. we're so complicated that we call ourselves human. i'm not prepared to live in the real world. when the theory came, it just revealed the most controversial notion. suffering is not what i'm patient to try. when you lose interest in your surroundings, you can't do anything in your best. i dun feel safe anymore.